Monday, January 27, 2014

Transparent Moment--I am not perfect


Parenting is something I thought that with my decade plus of nannying would come naturally to me. Yet I'm continually learning that, like marriage, it takes work. Some Most days are exhausting. But there are days in particular that wear me to the ground. I am not proud of those days; the days that I tend to lose sight of the mom I want to be, the one I always pictured myself as...always smiling, saintly patience, relishing the little things knowing they won't be little forever... Instead, I find myself succumbing to yelling, sighing, and speaking in negative tones all of which unintentionally suggest belittlement. I find myself frustrated with things like spilled milk and potty accidents, my patience having flown out the door by 8am...only hours, sometimes minutes, after having gotten up. On those days I am the mom I never dreamed I would be. And I feel like right now those days are happening too often.

You see I have weaknesses. I have buttons and as my boys are getting older I feel like not only have my buttons gotten larger therefore making them an easier target, but my son's jobs have also become that of Button Pusher. Lately, I have found myself continuously in a battle with one of my sons. I say jump, he walks. I say walk, he jumps. I say jump hoping he'll actually walk and it's like he reads my mind and gosh darn it he jumps and he'll comment quite literally "what? you said to jump." He knows how to push any and all of my buttons and push them he does. And his screams? This child knows how to have a meltdown. He's been adept at screaming since 14 months old. Oh my goodness does he have it down. It's days spent dealing with this that I'm ready to throw in the towel before the day even begins. And by 7 pm when my husband gets home I have regretted so many words/actions/sighs/etc that have come out of my mouth that I swear I don't deserve to parent these little people. And heaven help me if I have to take all 3 to the grocery store at the end of said day. It's easy for me to feel like I'm a bad parent.

There is a difference though between a bad parent and a good, though imperfect one. A bad parent does all those things and does nothing to change. A bad parent shouts and belittles without apology. An imperfect parent however recognizes the problem and seeks change. An imperfect parent apologizes for wrongdoings and asks for forgiveness. I am a good though imperfect parent.

I am not perfect nor should I expect my children to be. After all, for the most part my kids are just being kids. It's my own stuff that I need to address first. I need to ask myself...Why are my reactions so quick? What is distracting me from my kids? Oftentimes I've found that it's in my perceived need to look like I have it all together that I flounder the most...clean house, nutritious meals, compliant children, fun parties, clean/ironed clothes, I could go on and on. I try to have control of everything and of course my kids are going to push against that control. Feeling that need to have it all together is not only going to make my kids feel like they're failing me, but I will also always feel like I'm failing myself. And that's not fair to anyone. So I've been challenging myself to let go and let them live. Mud fights in the backyard are a must (though I may need gentle reminders from my husband). Fort building, Legos, and/or puzzles need to be daily occurrences. Basically, I've been carving out time to just be with them, all distractions aside, each day. Additionally, as much as I can I try to get my own agenda stuff done when they are preoccupied with other things.

And my son's screams/screeching? Sure, there are some discipline issues that can be worked on but for the most part he is saying Love Me. Love me for who I am, not who you want me to be. Love me for all that I am, not frustrated for all that I'm lacking. Notice that I have feelings and they are different from my brother. Hear me. Put down your phone, turn off the computer, stop doing chores and.be.with.me. And you know what? When I take the time to do just that, I do hear him. I may get very little else done during the day, but I am with him. And you know what else? The meltdowns stop.


**Parents--What do you find distracts you the most from your kids? Am I the only one that feels that as my boys are getting older my buttons seem to be an easier target for them?

9 comments:

  1. I'm horrible at being present. Always have been and I try so hard to shift this in myself. Then, we have bad days. On those days, I manage to be overly present: attacking each thing that are inherent to being a three year old, deciding if I don't "crack down" we'll all be miserable. Which really just serves to make us miserable. I do my very best to acknowledge directly to my little sweet daughter when I blew it, when we both had a rough day, when mommy yelled too much. And we talk about it, take responsibility and brainstorm what will make tomorrow better. And when I'm present before everything goes south, I don't go overboard. Usually.

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    1. Good for you for acknowledging the mistake and talking with your daughter about it!

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  2. What would happen if a mother allowed herself time to be gentle with herself. Less harsh. Forgiving herself, even,honoring her simple humanness. There is something Grandparents know. Moms and Dads who love and support their kids and each other will be okay and so will the kids. Be gentle with yourselves. You are doing an amazing job. Relax God has got your back.

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    1. Thanks Anna, it means a lot. Yes, I agree completely and yet, when you're in the trenches of motherhood it can be so hard to do.

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  3. I agree with your conclusion completely. We are good but imperfect parents. The idea that we have to be these awesome, totally involved, still get everything done parents is such a messed up vision of parenting we have developed in the last few decades from parenting magazines, websites, etc... Seriously, parenting can downright suck and we need to give ourselves the grace to know we won't ever, and can't ever, be perfect. :-) P.S. Aberly is awesome at pushing my buttons.

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    1. Right? I totally find myself comparing my parenting to pinterest, facebook, other blogs, etc. and yet I can't stop looking. "I don't do enough "pins." My house isn't as clean as the person's blog that I follow that has 5 kids. I didn't make a meal that had all the food groups in it and was entirely organic from locally grown markets." It's stressful. That's exactly why I'm working so hard on saying enough is enough and spending time and focusing energies where they belong :)

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  4. Greta,
    Your time in with your kids is a beautiful and wonderful thing. Without acknowledging it, they know in their hearts of your love. My teens push my buttons daily and sometimes, I can even let it go and stay present with them. This thing called parenting, a lifelong journey ~ I wouldn't trade for anything. As humbling and challenging as it is. I love your blog.

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    1. Couldn't agree more...as challenging as it is, I wouldn't trade it for anything. And thank you, I hope you continue to enjoy it :)

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  5. Love this! Thanks for your honesty, Greta! Parenting is harder than I ever imagined it could be. One day at a time. One foot in front of the other. Always working on being more present :)

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