What should have been

My dear sweet angel babies,

As I stood in the bathroom, hovering near the pregnancy test, I could feel my heart beating in my chest. I knew I didn't need to take any tests to confirm what my body had already been telling me. With 3 healthy pregnancies behind me, I knew. I was pregnant.

Though you weren't a 'timed' pregnancy, you was most definitely a planned one. By that, we knew we wanted 4 kids, just didn't know that it would be this soon. 

From day one, everything about this pregnancy seemed right. It was God's timing, not ours. It was in the middle of a move we weren't even sure we would make until the month before. And we had an offer on a house initially that would have been too small for a growing family...and we beat the odds with our new house which would fit us all perfectly. The cards had all fallen in to place for this pregnancy to happen.

Though it took a couple of weeks for the shock to wear off and the idea of 4 kids to settle in, both your Daddy and I were elated, especially knowing you were so meant to be. I had a certainty about it that I didn't have with any of the other kids. Within a week we had told your big brothers and they were so excited to tell all our family and close friends. We had already begun to imagine what our family would look like. We began making plans, arranging vacations, and 'sick leave' based on your impending arrival. July couldn't get here soon enough.

Selfishly I would have never chosen to have my first trimester wrapped in the the holidays. But obviously I did what I had to do. I spent the first several weeks dry heaving every evening and had absolutely no (I mean z.e.r.o) energy to unpack or organize our new house. It was all I could do to just get through each day. And then one day I realized that I didn't feel quite so sick anymore. I actually made it through the entire day without throwing up. This was around 9 weeks. I commented about how nervous that made me feel but as long as everything was okay with you then I would take good days. At my nurse appointment I had told her it was my easiest pregnancy thus far. I heard the warning bells in the back of my head because I don't have easy pregnancies but I knew that this was 'meant to be' so I ignored the ringing.

And then it happened.

It started as just a light pink tinge every few trips to the bathroom. Nothing overly alarming. And then a few days later I started cramping. Again, nothing serious. But then the combo. Spotting and cramping. ugh. That combo is never good. But again, I thought everything had to be okay because you were meant to be. Maybe I had just overdone it. I mean I had just hosted a North Pole Party at our house with 25+ adults and children, baked cookies for an entire day and a half and attended Daddy's work Christmas party...all within 2 days. Yea, that was it. I had just overdone it.

The next morning I could hardly stand because the cramping was so bad but no bleeding. I called my Dr anyway and scheduled an ultrasound. And that's when my elation came crashing down. There wasn't a heart beat. Not only that, but you, the dear sweet baby inside me wasn't just one. There were two of you.

Twins.

Identical twins.

Two.

I should have taken it as a sign that you were actually 2. Your Papa knew it. Our Christmas tree even knew it...we've called it a 'two-fur tree' ...a tree perfectly formed coming from one stump and breaking in two identical branches leaving a beautiful, full tree. So now I wasn't mourning the loss of one, but two. I know it isn't my fault sweet angels, but you lacked a membrane separating you..monoamniotic and monochorionic. What was meant to keep you alive wasn't. I am so sorry. Finding out that you were twins only added to my devastation. My heart stopped beating. I could hardly swallow. And then the tears came. I'm not sure they've stopped since then. 

I was prescribed some pills by the Dr to help along the miscarriage and pain but despite taking them I doubt I would have needed them. My body took over and ironically, at the same exact time I gave birth to your oldest brother, my first born, 7 years before, I said goodbye to you, to my twins that I didn't get a chance to hold. It's amazing how you can love someone(s!) so much in such a short amount of time without really even "knowing" them. 

You were gone. Nothing could have prepared me for that moment.

I have wanted to ignore the world the past few days despite sending a text out to everyone I could possibly think of having told about my pregnancy. I didn't want to forget anyone for fear they may ask me how you were doing and me bursting in to tears. There is a part of me that feels so guilty that I'm upset because I have 3 beautiful, healthy boys already. But the pain is still there and it is oh so real. The pain of losing you is so raw. The family of six seven we had imagined was no longer. My certainty gone. 

One thing I'm certain of is how grateful I am for our friends and family. You would have loved it here. We have had a blanket of love wrapped around us. Flowers, dinners, kind words, cards, special gifts, and prayers. We have felt every single prayer. You have the best daddy and big brothers in the whole world. I hate our Christmas tree now. It's a reminder of what could have and should have been. But your daddy? He loves it. He says it's a reminder that you aren't alone...you have each other. And you know what? He's right. We are so glad you have each other.

And just so you know little ones, we are now a family of 7. Though we only hold 3 kiddos here, we hold all 5 in our hearts. We also know there are 2 identical pairs of tiny footsteps going before us, leading the way 'home'. One day we will get to meet you, find out if you are 2 handsome boys or two beautiful girls. 

Until then...

I will love you forever and for always.

Your mommy