Kadyn: "No, mommy has her own jeans, they wouldn't fit me. Mine are just right."
Of course, we knew the humor behind the dialog. However, it wasn't until after the conversation that I really stopped to think about what he said. Our eldest, Kadyn, in a way, was right...my genes won't fit him...his are just right. He is his own person, unique and wonderfully made. He may have our "genes" but he also has his own genes that fit perfectly.
According to the pediatrician, Kadyn, is the most severely allergic kid in the clinic right now...and it's a big clinic. Research is proving that allergies seem to be linked to your genes. Although his genes seem a bit too big for him, (anaphylaxis seems so severe for such a little boy), I have to remind myself that God created him. God's eyes saw Kadyn's unformed body. And all the days ordained for him were written in His book before one of them came to be (Psalm 139:16). To God, Kadyn's genes have the perfect fit...nothing too big, nothing too small.
Now that Kadyn is 3 I would love to enroll him in a preschool (this was written several months ago and posted on my personal family blog). However, something is holding me back from sending him. Only in the past few days have I realized that it's because I'm scared to hand his life over to someone else...someone that I don't know, and don't trust. Questions flood my mind..."will he eat something he isn't supposed to have?" "Will the staff forget to read the labels on snack foods?" "Will the staff know how to properly administer an epipen?" "Will they know when to and not to give the epipen?" "Will another allergy present itself unknowingly?" (A few weeks ago he had another allergy scare...with walnuts...a nut we thought was on the "safe" list. He complained of his throat feeling funny, then threw up 3 times, then his face got puffy and his nose got so stuffy I couldn't even understand what he was trying to tell me when he spoke...scary.) It's frustrating as a parent knowing that these "genes" most probably came from me/us. However, as his jeans continue to get bigger, and he, older, I realize I need to keep things in perspective. God created him, God will protect him, God has a plan for him. That doesn't mean that I won't be prayerful the entire time, that doesn't mean that I won't ask 100 thousand questions of each preschool I interview to make sure I'm sending him to a safe one, but it does mean that it's time to let go. God is in control.
Kadyn, you are right, your genes are perfect little man. I thank God that he chose YOU for us and I can't wait to further watch as your "jeans" continue to grow.
Trying on a pair of mommy's jeans
Transparent Mommies--it can be hard to relinquish control to someone else, can't it? After all, our kids are our most cherished possessions. Whether your fear for your kids is allergies, shyness, a handicap, inability to hear, to see, or something else entirely, and whether your preschool is actually preschool, or daycare, or grade school, a new babysitter, high school...or college, it's important to acknowledge that your fear is real. It's your truth. It can be scary that first go around. It can be scary to even admit out loud. But go ahead...we're all about being transparent! What is your truth?
© Transparencies of Motherhood 2010
Your words are encouraging. I think the #1 realization I've had since becoming a mom is that in a million new ways WE ARE NOT IN CONTROL. We can't choose the sex, personality, or health of our child....and here we've spent our whole lives making our own personal choices, choosing a spouse, etc. It's definitely a whole new level of trusting the Lord and surrendering.
ReplyDeleteNot sure yet what our truth is at the moment. It feels like a million things like development (verbally & physically), interaction with others, pickiness in eating, etc. I know the list will be long in the future!
You know.. I'm anaphylactic too. With alcohol. So yes, it may not seem like it, but I don't drink anything with alcohol on it, unless I wanna send my body into anaphylactic shock. Anyway, all I wanna say is that 28 years later, I'm still alive and I'm guessing.. healthier than ever.
ReplyDeleteKadyn's just lucky to have a mom like you who cares about him so much. Anaphylaxis is no joke, but as a mom, you can only do so much. You just gotta trust him enough to know what's good and bad for him :)
Wow, I love that dialogue quote - so cute, funny, and profound! And yeah, you are so right... our kids will never fit in our jeans. (I think of the bible story about David not fitting into Saul's armor - a story that I often use in my teaching on Identity in Christ!) It can be hard to remember that though when it comes to your kids. I remember even when I was still pregnant wondering things like: will the baby be athletic like his dad? do well in school like me? have no rhythm or hope of singing on key like his dad? or be musical like me? will he be handy and gadgety like his dad? and the list goes on... for me, that is where I have to remember that his "jeans" are his own... not an extension of us. It's fun to see similarities in our kids to us or our spouses, but it can also get out of hand and unhealthy and limit them in their own expression of who they are. I know that is not the gist of what you were talking about with Kadyn, and yet that's what the "jeans" analogy made me think of straight away. And wow, I think that your situation is so tough. Yes, we know that our children belong to God... but of course we still have this innate desire and drive to protect them as much as possible. And for you, knowing the severity of his allergies, relinquishing control is really on a whole new level. Not easy my friend. I pray God shows you grace in it, and also helps you to find a great place for him. There's a way, no doubt!
ReplyDeleteAlso, to be a little random and follow up from a while ago... I can't believe you're not the one related to Chelsea... But I guess I am only looking at you in a tiny little photo! ;) In your profile photo you look so much alike. Funny! I guess I'll have to go searching through your blog and find a bigger photo. :)
I read a news story of a women who was babysitting a 2 or 3 year old and got frustrated with him when he urinated in the bed she shoved him to the ground so hard that he died.
ReplyDeleteMy truth is: I'm waaayyy to scared to let anyone watch my son, not that I'm so great at watching him all the time anyway, he falls, gets bumps and bruises, but I know him and know when we need a break from each other... will anyone else know this? How could I forgive myself if my little guy got hurt because I wanted to go out and watch some dumb movie, I know I would never ever forgive myself... so... that said...
My husband's Christmas party is coming up... I have a friend lined up to watch my little guy once he's in bed of course... but I still have a huge pit in my stomach just thinking about it, and it's 2 months away...