What should have been

My dear sweet angel babies,

As I stood in the bathroom, hovering near the pregnancy test, I could feel my heart beating in my chest. I knew I didn't need to take any tests to confirm what my body had already been telling me. With 3 healthy pregnancies behind me, I knew. I was pregnant.

Though you weren't a 'timed' pregnancy, you was most definitely a planned one. By that, we knew we wanted 4 kids, just didn't know that it would be this soon. 

From day one, everything about this pregnancy seemed right. It was God's timing, not ours. It was in the middle of a move we weren't even sure we would make until the month before. And we had an offer on a house initially that would have been too small for a growing family...and we beat the odds with our new house which would fit us all perfectly. The cards had all fallen in to place for this pregnancy to happen.

Though it took a couple of weeks for the shock to wear off and the idea of 4 kids to settle in, both your Daddy and I were elated, especially knowing you were so meant to be. I had a certainty about it that I didn't have with any of the other kids. Within a week we had told your big brothers and they were so excited to tell all our family and close friends. We had already begun to imagine what our family would look like. We began making plans, arranging vacations, and 'sick leave' based on your impending arrival. July couldn't get here soon enough.

Selfishly I would have never chosen to have my first trimester wrapped in the the holidays. But obviously I did what I had to do. I spent the first several weeks dry heaving every evening and had absolutely no (I mean z.e.r.o) energy to unpack or organize our new house. It was all I could do to just get through each day. And then one day I realized that I didn't feel quite so sick anymore. I actually made it through the entire day without throwing up. This was around 9 weeks. I commented about how nervous that made me feel but as long as everything was okay with you then I would take good days. At my nurse appointment I had told her it was my easiest pregnancy thus far. I heard the warning bells in the back of my head because I don't have easy pregnancies but I knew that this was 'meant to be' so I ignored the ringing.

And then it happened.

It started as just a light pink tinge every few trips to the bathroom. Nothing overly alarming. And then a few days later I started cramping. Again, nothing serious. But then the combo. Spotting and cramping. ugh. That combo is never good. But again, I thought everything had to be okay because you were meant to be. Maybe I had just overdone it. I mean I had just hosted a North Pole Party at our house with 25+ adults and children, baked cookies for an entire day and a half and attended Daddy's work Christmas party...all within 2 days. Yea, that was it. I had just overdone it.

The next morning I could hardly stand because the cramping was so bad but no bleeding. I called my Dr anyway and scheduled an ultrasound. And that's when my elation came crashing down. There wasn't a heart beat. Not only that, but you, the dear sweet baby inside me wasn't just one. There were two of you.

Twins.

Identical twins.

Two.

I should have taken it as a sign that you were actually 2. Your Papa knew it. Our Christmas tree even knew it...we've called it a 'two-fur tree' ...a tree perfectly formed coming from one stump and breaking in two identical branches leaving a beautiful, full tree. So now I wasn't mourning the loss of one, but two. I know it isn't my fault sweet angels, but you lacked a membrane separating you..monoamniotic and monochorionic. What was meant to keep you alive wasn't. I am so sorry. Finding out that you were twins only added to my devastation. My heart stopped beating. I could hardly swallow. And then the tears came. I'm not sure they've stopped since then. 

I was prescribed some pills by the Dr to help along the miscarriage and pain but despite taking them I doubt I would have needed them. My body took over and ironically, at the same exact time I gave birth to your oldest brother, my first born, 7 years before, I said goodbye to you, to my twins that I didn't get a chance to hold. It's amazing how you can love someone(s!) so much in such a short amount of time without really even "knowing" them. 

You were gone. Nothing could have prepared me for that moment.

I have wanted to ignore the world the past few days despite sending a text out to everyone I could possibly think of having told about my pregnancy. I didn't want to forget anyone for fear they may ask me how you were doing and me bursting in to tears. There is a part of me that feels so guilty that I'm upset because I have 3 beautiful, healthy boys already. But the pain is still there and it is oh so real. The pain of losing you is so raw. The family of six seven we had imagined was no longer. My certainty gone. 

One thing I'm certain of is how grateful I am for our friends and family. You would have loved it here. We have had a blanket of love wrapped around us. Flowers, dinners, kind words, cards, special gifts, and prayers. We have felt every single prayer. You have the best daddy and big brothers in the whole world. I hate our Christmas tree now. It's a reminder of what could have and should have been. But your daddy? He loves it. He says it's a reminder that you aren't alone...you have each other. And you know what? He's right. We are so glad you have each other.

And just so you know little ones, we are now a family of 7. Though we only hold 3 kiddos here, we hold all 5 in our hearts. We also know there are 2 identical pairs of tiny footsteps going before us, leading the way 'home'. One day we will get to meet you, find out if you are 2 handsome boys or two beautiful girls. 

Until then...

I will love you forever and for always.

Your mommy

Transparent Moment--Miscarriage

I debated about posting this because someone dear to me recently had a miscarriage, but as always, I think it's so important to know you're not alone. This post was written by a beautiful woman who has chosen to remain anonymous. A special thanks to her for sharing her heart on this difficult topic to discuss.

As I stood in the bathroom, hovering near the pregnancy test, I could feel my heart beating in my chest. This would be our 7th month of trying. Seven long months of waiting, wondering. But our wait was over.

It was positive.

My hands shook as I took 3 more tests just to confirm that the first wasn't a dud. All had the same results. Oh my gosh, we were pregnant!

Elation, excited, ecstatic, happy, and thrilled were all too small of words to describe my feelings. We were on cloud nine. We had been trying for 7 months, each month wondering if 'this would be the month.' My husband and I ran out to purchase a gender neutral outfit to mark the special day.

Immediately we told our friends and family closest to us and within a week it seemed like the world knew. Everywhere I looked I saw beautiful pregnant bellies and glowing mamas. My heart would skip a beat anxious for my belly to begin growing. Even at just shy of 8 weeks I already had dreams and ideas for the life growing inside of me. Despite not having a belly yet, my hands were constantly drawn to my tummy. I was in awe of all things baby. We were so excited to find out if I was carrying a baby girl, or a baby boy.

And then it happened. My world came crashing down.

It started as just a couple drops of blood. But it quickly began to gush. And the cramping. Oh, the cramping.

I lost the baby. The one I had been dreaming about, picturing in my head, naming. Gone. Nothing could have prepared me for that moment.

At first I didn't want to tell anyone. I wanted to be in my own sorrow for awhile. But, the calls kept coming; calls of wonderment on how my 8 week appointment went, wondering if we were going to find out if we were having a boy or a girl. I couldn't ignore them forever. My once fluttering heart felt like it had stopped beating.

I asked my husband to call our family and friends. I just didn't want to face them. A few cards and flowers showed up with wonderful well-wishers. But they didn't help take away the pain I was feeling and I couldn't stand putting on a fake smile while they were there. I cursed myself for having shared our exciting news with the world so soon. It just meant that many more people that we had to tell of our devastation. And it was amazing how many people didn't know how to respond at all. After all, the baby inside of me died.

I couldn't believe how long the bleeding continued. It was as if it was mocking me, reminding me of the barrenness of my tummy. The cramps were actually comforting, a true pain that helped my heart feel less. I still continued to see pregnant women everywhere, as if they were screaming at me that were able to carry their babies to term and I couldn't. And the outfit we picked out still sat in the closet, beckoning me to feel the soft fabric, feel the pain, and whispering the evil thoughts that began encroaching; what if I would never be able to have a baby? What if this kept happening? What if something is wrong with my body and I'll never be able to bring a baby to term? Did I do something wrong? What if I hadn't worked out last week? What if I had taken it easier the past few weeks? What if, what if, what if...

Slowly, the bleeding stopped. The pain was too raw to even think about trying again any time soon. And yet, after several months our desire to have a baby took over my fear of another miscarriage. Miscarriage--what a dirty word. Sure 20 to 30 percent of all pregnancies end in miscarriage, but I did not want to be on that end of the statistics again.

Miraculously I actually got pregnant again, right away this time. However, my heart was heavy; would the same thing happen again? My husband and I had originally talked about not sharing the news until we were in the 2nd trimester, but despite the fear, we were also excited and couldn't stand keeping it to ourselves for that long. We decided to tell our close family and friends, but also shared our hesitation with them and asked them to keep it quiet until our first appointment at 8 weeks when we were scheduled to have an internal ultrasound.

From the day we found out to the weeks leading up to the internal I couldn't sleep. I couldn't breathe; it was if my very breathe was being squeezed out of me. Every twinge sent me running to the bathroom. Every cramp made me burst in to tears thinking it was happening again. But the ultrasound came and went. The baby looked good. I felt sick as a dog, but the baby looked good. Hallelujah! However, I still couldn't shake the feeling. I knew the risk was still high until the 2nd trimester and because of that I couldn't allow myself to attach to this baby in the same way. I refused to buy anything baby until the 2nd trimester. I refused to think about names. And I refused to dream about the future.

But the second trimester came and went too. Finally I could allow the excitement to take over. I was pregnant. I was one of those beautiful, glowing, round, protruding bellied, pregnant women and I was finally bursting at the seems with excitement and anticipation. Our true 'wait' was over.

Just an update, a healthy, beautiful baby girl was born. And just a few months later (they thought it would take several months again!) they are now cautiously beginning the journey again as they just found out they're pregnant with baby #2. Congratulations and thank you for sharing your difficult story.

Readers: Hopefully there is someone out there that can find comfort in these words I shared with someone recently: Losing a baby, at any point, even pregnant, is still losing a baby. Despite not being able to hold (in most cases) a baby that dies during pregnancy, the baby is still yours. And the hurt is all the same. And it is important to know you are allowed to hurt, to cry, to grieve. And though you may feel like it at the time, you are not alone. Another thing to hold on to is that one day you will get to meet this baby. It may be a loss now, but eventually, it will be a gain! You will have a child to meet in heaven! If you didn't know before, you will then know if "it" was a he or a she. And you will walk hand in hand sharing all kinds of stories. But for now, allow yourself some time to grieve, and try not to beat yourself up with the 'whys.' 

It can be hard for friends and family to know what to say when a baby has died, hard for friends and family to know what to do, to know how or if they should comfort. Suggestions?

© Transparencies of Motherhood 2011