"A working (out of the home) mom gets to have a cup of coffee in peace and quiet."
"A working (out of the home) mom gets to have a break from her children so she comes home refreshed."
I was blessed with 11 weeks home with each of my boys after their births. With my first, I felt that I had just gotten a chance to feel connected to him when it was time to head back to work (thanks postpartum depression). It felt so unfair. Just before heading back to work I tried to spend extra time snuggling, cherished the middle of the night nursings, and ate up as much baby as I could. I dreaded going back to work. I dreaded leaving my son. I constantly worried about what I was going to miss, about the fact that I wouldn't be there to teach him. I knew he was going to be in loving hands, after all, his grandmas were going to watch them. And yet, I sobbed the entire way to work on my first day back. The. Entire. Way.
Following the birth of my second son I felt connected with him right away. I didn't feel rushed through the holidays and really got to enjoy just being with my kids. My second was an amazing sleeper so I actually felt rested after his birth. I loved being home. I did art projects every day with my older son, made Christmas cookies and gingerbread houses, had some sort of out of the house activity most every day, and felt like I was able to gracefully handle having two kids. Two fit me. And it fit being home with them.
Surprisingly, it wasn't as hard going back to work after my second. Though I still dreaded it, I didn't sob. Maybe we can call it tears streaming, but not sobbing. Why? I didn't feel robbed of the bonding time like I did with my first. I felt bonded to him and knew what to expect with the whole juggling work/kids thing. And I was so grateful that they would be with grandparents during the day. After maternity leave with my first, all the way through my second being 7 months old, I was working 4 days a week, 1/2 day in the office, and 1/2 day at home.
Then life changed. It made sense for me to go to work full-time and for my husband to stay home with the kids when they weren't with the grandmas. Though uncomfortable for me, we stepped into it knowing it was God's purpose, and as such, He would give me strength to weather the discomfort.
Some days are harder than others. Some days I feel I spend on my knees praying for that continued strength. Some days I have to let the cleaning go. Some days I have to say yes to take n bake pizza. Some days I have to put the kids to bed an hour early even if it means they will wake up an hour early. I have come to realize that my house won't be perfectly clean all the time, my kid's parties would have store-bought cake if I could find a place that doesn't make cake on the same equipment as nuts, and there are some days that I just can't get to blogging (sorry I've been on blogging hiatus for awhile). And you know what? All of these are okay.
One thing I've found though is that I have to be excited about working. If my kids see my constantly complaining about how I want to be home with them, they may view working as a negative thing. And I am so thankful for the job that I have. It's allowing me to provide for our family. It's something I do actually enjoy. It's allowing our kids to be watching by a combination of my husband and our moms. All things I am so thankful for.
But the guilt. Oh, the guilt. God, please take away the guilt! I feel guilty when I'm working...like I should be home with my kids. And if I do get to take a day off to be with them (usually when they're sick), I feel guilty that I'm not working. I feel guilty that I'm missing out on so many things (the biggest right now is the one on one time that everyone but me gets with my youngest while my oldest is in preschool). And I feel guilty if I take any me time (the reason I force myself to get up at 5am to work out; it's before I head to work and before my kids wake up). Some days I just long for opposite circumstances.
I am not saying that working moms have it harder. I am not saying that stay at home moms have it harder either. I am saying that being a working mom has been emotionally harder for me. If you want to see a great series about how ALL moms work, go over to The Mommyhood Memos.
But that myth I quoted in the beginning about working being a break from my kids so I feel refreshed when I come home? I am usually so drained from work that I have nothing left to give my kids. I try though. It's frustrating that I get them at the end of their day...when they are crabby (oldest doesn't nap, but needs to), fighting, ready to eat, etc. It pairs real well with my drained, crabby attitude. I think they can sense that.
And yea, that coffee break where I can enjoy a cup of coffee in peace and quiet? I would trade it in to stay home with my boys in a second. Rewarmed coffee 10 times? Yes, please.
Readers: How do you get "you" time? How do you balance that with your spouse?
© Transparencies of Motherhood 2010
I so appreciate this post; I too am a working mom- 4 days a week. Thank you for sharing! -Anna
ReplyDeleteThis is a great post. I'd like to chime in a bit here. I think that parents, but especially mommies, are trained to believe they need to make a one-time choice between staying home or going to work after motherhood begins. Also, there's a sense that we need to be content with that choice. That's a lot of pressure to carry around. I, for one, am trying to refuse that pressure. I just won't carry it. Sure, I feel guilty---why does my husband have to carry the burden of providing an income? I also sometimes feel gypped. When is it my turn to pursue my grown up interests in addition to being a loving mom? When do I get a sick day? But the point is that I allow all of these emotions in, accept them for what they are---real---and the ones that really nag at me, I try to address them. It's time for caregivers to accept that life is a series of compromises and we need to acknowledge that those compromises need only be for a time. If we find ourselves suffering and struggling, we have a right, an obligation, to make a new compromise. No decision in regards to how we care for our family or ourselves need be a permanent, guilt-ridden one.
ReplyDeleteI absolutely cannot imagine working full time and having kids. I can't imagine how you momma's get it done. I was having this discussion about laundry the other day. I had been editing photo's (for pay) for a friend for days and as a result my laundry piled and the kids got less attention and I wondered aloud how working mothers do it. How do you keep up on housework and laundry? I can't imagine let alone spreading your time out with your kids and stuff. I know it can be done and IS done but I can imagine it's completely exhausting.
ReplyDeleteKudos to you!
There are moments as a stay at home mom that I think a job would give me a break and solve my problems but I know it's not true. Being a working mom doesn't give you a break from being a mom, it just adds another job on top of all a mom does! Cheers to you for being able to pull it off and to do it with a great attitude. Your children and husband are lucky to have you. xoxo Happy Thanksgiving!
ReplyDeleteI tis very hard..My blog is a "me" thing. I get out of the house when hubby gets home. it is hard too because i want to spend time with him too...I try to have a balance. Being a Mom is very hard :)
ReplyDeleteGreat post !
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Jacqui
Greta, hey do you remember me from college? I just found your blog thorugh Carly. I have to say, it's so true. I work full time as well, I actually do love working, but it defnitely doesn't feel like a break at all. It just adds on to the rest of the stuff. I find I am perpetually behind on phone calls, emails, messages, thank yous, the list never ends. It's nice to hear another person who understands. You should get your husband to do more of the cleaning? Mine has actually been amazing lately with the household stuff, which really really helps. A clean house keeps me sane. Best wishes.
ReplyDeleteThis is a great post and it made me tear up. I have to find a job myself and am so dreading leaving my son and going back to work...even though we have been incredibly blessed. I initially thought I would only be able to stay home for 6 months. But we've stretched it out to 16 months so far. I'm drinking my rewarmed coffee right now. You are making it work and doing what you need to do for your family right now. You should be very proud of yourself. I wish we weren't forced to make such hard choices and sacrifices :( Btw, I gave you an award: http://mylifewithnate.blogspot.com/2010/12/you-like-me-you-really-like-me.html
ReplyDeleteGreat post.
ReplyDeleteI try to have me time when the kids go to bed. That's usually when I like to watch TV and try to just relax.